BEHIND THE PINK FRAMES / TOWNSPEOPLE / ADULTERESS
brooklyn chateau
Rain
Disclaimer: The following profile is
not intended to harm, hurt or disturb the marriage and/or family affected, nor celebrates infidelity in any way. It's intended to share a personal journey of which many can relate.
‘Rain’ is a rare bird:
strikingly beautiful, appearing intermittently and always at her
best. She holds a high profile position in Education, of which her attributes include organization, detail orientation and
leadership. Add overwhelming love and devotion to this impressive list and
you have Rain, mother and wife. Hers is a life that from the outside appeared ideal. Except the truth of the matter is: life, as she knew it, had been quietly
imploding. So what happens when the
marriage you’ve built no longer sustains you? Do you leave and risk
everything? Or do you stay and risk losing yourself?
In light of a recent study, women are said to commit
infidelity just as much as men. Moreover, women
are admitting to indiscretions and gaining more than just cheap thrills. And while we're aware of the traditional list of basic needs: food, water and shelter, another essential element being gravely discounted is the sense of belonging that when missing, fosters feelings of desperation. A feeling capable of propelling the most loyal to seek closeness elsewhere.
One morning over tea and
omelets, I met with Rain for our very first
get-to-know-you conversation. And though the intention was to discuss our
children, Rain's girlish glow dominated the conversation. While sporting a signature pair of pink, translucent frames that worn against a sun-kissed, dewy complexion Rain emanated light. You might have thought she'd
just returned from a Caribbean vacation but in actuality, Rain was basking in the aftermath of an extramarital affair. More surprising was the willingness to
share every intimate detail.
As I listened to Rain gush
about her forbidden love, I thought her tryst to be a minor derailment. After all, nothing created in LOVE is beyond repair. Right? Besides, old friends of mine
experienced a similar stumbling block and worked through it. Rain and her husband could surely do the same. But upon further discussion, I discovered behind the pale, pink frames lay a once broken woman rehabilitated by a new,
albeit, forbidden love. Rain's efficacy for true love trumped my wishful thinking. So I abandoned the idea she'd see things my way and listened intently. Moreover, she'd already bypassed the many criticisms infidelity can conjure and on the road to pursuing divorce. But amid making those hard choices, to Rain's relief, a handful of
women she'd chosen to share her story with offered affirmative nods
and words of encouragement. As if to say, we too, hope our paths lead to true happiness. A happiness Rain gleefully embraces as light spills out from her every
pore.
And for reasons both obvious and perhaps, not so obvious, Rain's story brings to mind a Beyonce song entitled Superpower:
And for reasons both obvious and perhaps, not so obvious, Rain's story brings to mind a Beyonce song entitled Superpower:
...And when I'm standing in this mirror
After all these years
What I'm viewing is a little different
From what your eyes show you
Guess I didn't see myself before you
Moving forward...
With that, Townspeople ventures into uncharted territory: the secret underpinning of a
woman's heart when life takes an unexpected turn and what remains is a choice she vows never to regret.
'Rain'
talks Choices, Town & Takeaways.
Rain on 'Behind the pink frames':
TP: Why caused you to seek closeness outside your marriage?
(As I type this response, I am reliving the moment and lighting up a dim cafe near my home.)
After Christmas 2005 with a New Year approaching, a little voice told me not to go into work and to check his email
account. I am of the school of thought that you must listen to that voice
inside of you. It tells you EVERYTHING! For a second, his email address failed me. But after a few minutes, I typed in the password and discovered inappropriate emails from and to one of his former colleague. After
confronting, arguing and talking about what I'd discovered, my husband told me he'd end the
"friendship". He never admitted to an affair. Instead, referred to it as a "special friendship". I asked that we see a marriage counselor. We did but he wasn't into it.
After another few years, I asked that we see another marriage counselor, in which he agreed once again but failed to do the actual work. At that point, I decided to get my act together. Work on me, love me, think about my children and secure a lucrative job/career that would catapult me to another level should the marriage fail. And that's exactly what I did. I'd decided long before running with my love/my friend that I was going to divorce my husband because I wasn't being fulfilled; I didn't feel protected, valued or loved. I'd become my husband's safety net. He'd grown comfortable. That may have been good enough for him but not for me. I desire a more fulfilling relationship that's loving and wholesome and beautiful and meaningful. You may ask, Did my husband EVER make me feel this way? Yes! 15-20 years ago (when I was in my twenties and early thirties), but now I am a grown woman with grown woman wants and needs. And proved that he didn't want nor did he care to treat me as such though I was more than willing to LOVE and CARE for him.
My husband lied to me more than enough times and recently, it's rumored, he has a child with his "special friend". The wife is always the last to know. News of this solidified my decision to divorce.
TP: After clearing away the debris of your failed marriage, what remains?
TP: How do you intend to move forward?
TP: Prior to the affair, what were your
views on infidelity?
TP: Name the elements crucial to a fulfilling
relationship:
TP: Last word on choosing to be happy:
The last stanza says,
So while naysayers shake their heads and say, "you don't have to sleep with someone else's husband or I would NEVER have an affair," trying hard not to sound cliché, you should never say never. There's simply no way of knowing how and why a
situation like mine unfolds or how you'll respond when it presents itself.
TP: What is the most important
thing a woman can do for herself?
Do something different every year. Something you've always been intimidated by yet curious. Try it! You'll be pleasantly surprised as you witness yourself stretching beyond the limitations you've set for yourself. Don't leave this life with regrets. I won't!
A few months ago, I completed Americanah, a beautiful novel by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. On the very last page (pg.588), Obinze says to his
life-long love, Ifemelu (who isn't his wife):
"I know we could accept the things we
can't be for each other, and even turn it into the poetic tragedy of our lives.
Or we could act. I want to act. I want this to happen."
These characters chose to LIVE! I choose to LIVE!
TP: Why caused you to seek closeness outside your marriage?
Rain: My love/my friend and I did not plan to
fall in love. We were friends and
running partners for well over six years yet had known of each other for almost eleven.
When running together we NEVER discussed our marital relationships. He wasn't that type of person. Plus I
felt out of sorts discussing my failing relationship particularly with someone I believed to be in a wholesome, loving relationship. Besides, it would very early in the morning when we'd run. After which, we'd return to our
separate homes to wake the household and get everyone off to school
and work. Our discussions consisted mainly of books we'd read, children and politics. But on one of our runs during the summer of 2013, there existed an ever-consuming, electric energy that refused to be
dismissed. I carried
that energy with me for a few days and finally after one of our evening runs,
we rested on a bench at The Promenade while I hinting that I had something to ask him. And though I didn't ask the question that night, I would eventually do so on a beach in Martha's Vineyard, later that summer. But that night, after returning home and after showering, I received a text from him that said,"Yes". And though at the time, we weren't aware of each other's situation, both of our marriages were crumbling. And as time passed I would think of him and my heart would skip a beat. A glow as bright as the sun has poured from my face ever since.
TP: What was the fatal downfall within your marriage?
Rain: About nine years ago, I discovered my husband was having an inappropriate relationship outside of our
marriage. At the time, we had one child and I worked at a non-profit. I was loving life and reveling my marriage. We
were ten years into our union and though things had been challenging at times, we were not to the
point of seeking solace outside of our marriage or so I thought. We lived a normal life. We planned for the future, talked about
finances. It was anything but dramatic and I'd always been a communicator. I welcomed every type of communication from talk to texting. We had date nights, not on a regular basis, but here
and there. We'd occasionally have a neighbor watch our son and catch a movie. Then there were the neighborhood parties and get-togethers,
community service work, (my) work events, our children's play dates and
house-projects. Our sexual relationship was good as well. I had no major complaints. Until one year I noticed I no longer received phone calls at work and I became the only one initiating sex. He appeared disinterested.
After another few years, I asked that we see another marriage counselor, in which he agreed once again but failed to do the actual work. At that point, I decided to get my act together. Work on me, love me, think about my children and secure a lucrative job/career that would catapult me to another level should the marriage fail. And that's exactly what I did. I'd decided long before running with my love/my friend that I was going to divorce my husband because I wasn't being fulfilled; I didn't feel protected, valued or loved. I'd become my husband's safety net. He'd grown comfortable. That may have been good enough for him but not for me. I desire a more fulfilling relationship that's loving and wholesome and beautiful and meaningful. You may ask, Did my husband EVER make me feel this way? Yes! 15-20 years ago (when I was in my twenties and early thirties), but now I am a grown woman with grown woman wants and needs. And proved that he didn't want nor did he care to treat me as such though I was more than willing to LOVE and CARE for him.
TP: Describe the moment your affair began:
Rain: As I mentioned previously, it wasn't until
the summer of 2013, on one of our runs, I realized I was falling in love
with my friend and he with me. We were such novices at this feeling and didn't know what to do. Both he and I have been married
for years and hadn't been with anyone else except for our partners. He emailed me at 3:27am,
August 15, 2013. That night, I couldn't sleep and woke at 4am. And for no specific reason, I turned on my computer and checked my email. To my surprise I found an email from him. It was poetic. I felt as if I was channeling Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. Soon after, we experienced our first kiss in a secluded park. The kiss was soft and sweet and endearing and intentional.
The very next day, my family and I left for a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. We figured time apart would cool things down, but instead we texted throughout my vacation. It was tremendous! I think I must have loved him for so long but hadn't realized it. Our connection felt easy, natural. We weren't shy or afraid. It felt like we'd known each other for so long. When we'd go out on dates, fellow patrons would pay for our desserts. One time, a waiter brought us something from the menu because she thought we were "just so cute". And a fellow runner caught us holding hands and commented, "Ahhh lovely". Our love affair lasted eleven months.
The very next day, my family and I left for a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. We figured time apart would cool things down, but instead we texted throughout my vacation. It was tremendous! I think I must have loved him for so long but hadn't realized it. Our connection felt easy, natural. We weren't shy or afraid. It felt like we'd known each other for so long. When we'd go out on dates, fellow patrons would pay for our desserts. One time, a waiter brought us something from the menu because she thought we were "just so cute". And a fellow runner caught us holding hands and commented, "Ahhh lovely". Our love affair lasted eleven months.
TP: Describe the moment you told your
husband the truth:
Rain: I didn't decide to tell him anything. As
far as I was concerned, my love/my friend was my business, my
truth. If my husband found out, then fine.
But I tried to be discreet and not flaunt my joy in front of him. Next to the fact that our marriage was broken and I felt nothing for him, I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and he sensed I was involved in something/someone other than him. He'd observed my girlish, glowing
energy and noticed I'd texting a bit too much. But it wasn't until on vacation in Martha's Vineyard that he
went through my phone and learned of everything. And when he confronted me, I boldly said to him, "Now you know how I felt!"
Rain: Two wonderful, smart, loving,
respectful, curious, energetic, independent, empathetic children whom I adore. They are both so delicious in their own curious ways. Two burgeoning young people I'm confident will grow to be global
citizens, marching to the beat of their own drums despite society's harsh limitations.
Rain: My plan (prior to the affair) was to separate and eventually divorce my husband. My failing marriage had nothing to do
with my affair. I want and
need to live a fulfilled life. Most importantly, it's imperative
my children see me happy and tackling issues, and being fulfilled in a meaningful
way. I want them to witness two people in love, protecting each other (and
them) while living life purposefully.
Rain: I was totally against it. I grew up in the
church. My spirituality has always been extremely important to me. Therefore, mimicking the views of the church. Except that when I found out about my husband's affair, I began thinking differently about infidelity. I considered that perhaps folks
are due for at least two loves in a lifetime. Who am I to hold him back from
that? My discontent with my husband lay in the fact that he lied to me and wasted precious time and energy.
Rain: Feeling protected, valued, and loved is so very important. I
would also add that transparency and honesty, and confidence are just as
crucial. Not to mention, commonality and having a work-life balance play a major role.
TP: Are you satisfied
with the your choices?
Rain: When my love/my friend and I started
calling and texting and meeting one another, I looked at him and said no
matter what, I will never regret the choice to not back
away. I enjoyed our ups and
downs. I especially loved being in love and sharing love with him. The companionship
was nothing I'd ever experienced, not even with my husband. If I had to do it all
again, I would. And I am still fulfilled and glowing and loving although our
companionship ended months ago. Still, I will never forget the moments we shared.
Rain: I admire people, especially women, who
choose to be warriors in their lives and not allow the rules of society to
dictate who they should love, when they should love, who they should be, what
they should eat, wear, where they should live, work, or attend school. Those women are free and living life
FULLY! And please, don't
misinterpret me. I am not
suggesting that folks have an affair. My affair and falling in love wasn't planned. It was far from intentional. I'm merely stating that sometimes
LIFE presents itself in ways we may not understand and we're forced to make choices. My married life was so clouded by my husband's lies I was left with only two choices: to be happy or to be miserable. I chose to be happy.
I remember when I was in the 4th
grade, and my hippie teacher (loved him) required the class to memorize Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken".
It remains one of my FAVORITE poems. And throughout my life, give or take,
adolescent/teenage/young adulthood years, this poem is at the forefront
of my thoughts when making key decisions:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
and sorry I could not travel
both, and be one traveler, long I stood, and
looked down one as
far as I could, to where it bent in the undergrowth…
I shall be telling this with a sigh,
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- Robert Frost
Rain: Women need to be honest and ask the question,
am I being fulfilled? Work on YOU!
Work on YOU! Work on YOU! Yoga, mindfulness, prayer, exercise, eat right, read,
and get uncomfortable with life. Take judging others and gossip out of your
life and throw it into the landfills!
These characters chose to LIVE! I choose to LIVE!
Rain's Beauty Blueprint:
What time of day do you feel most beautiful?
Faye: Twilight.
Faye: Twilight.
Faye: Iman's Jaguar lipstick,
Mac's lip-gloss, a nail-file, a nail-clipper, a safety pin, COCO Chanel's
Mademoiselle's purse spray and a handkerchief.
Rain's Town: Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn
Favorite Town Haunts:
Pizza take-out: Saraghina
Date night: L’Antagoniste
Cocktails with
girlfriends: Therapy
Market: Bed Stuy Fresh and Local
Sweet treat: Dough
Sunday
outing: Museums, bike rides, and/or evening strolls across one of our bridges.
Rain's Townspeople Takeaways:
Shower or bath? Bath
Coffee or tea? Tea
Natural or treated? Natural
Loose or fitted? Both
Heels or flats? Heels (flats with my children)
Work out or work less? Work out
Finishing Quote:
"If my day were a short story the title would read:
Ever Mindful, Ever Love."
'Rain'
Interview by Crystal Granderson-Reid
Townspeople ©
Townspeople ©
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